a friday, for real!

its friday and its my day off. stayed 2 and half hours later than expected at work. it was managing me for a bit, but i made it work for me. got the work done. felt good. it cut in to my family time. the wife was nice enough to pick me up at the station so i could eat dinner with them before my jam last night. the jam was REALLY good! the guys finally understand the concept of a beginning and an ending. excellent work last night. time and feel! yoga class this morning. getting stronger. going once a week. will supplement with running and riding the bike. considering changing up the concept of this blog. my introduce my blogs with a recording. will try and test it out in the next few weeks. the rest of the day will be casual. walk the dog.."no lick"... not much else. may hit the skins, but also considering to take a break today to let my thoughts settle. timing was really good last night. the fills! have a great night planned for myself and little d.

kick it!

where to go this morning

there is so much and so little to say. my brain is flat, but full of information. i just turned the tv off. got sucked in. i never turn the tv on during this writing. for that reason. disturbs the flow. totally zoned out! its my friday. off at 3. home. hang with the family. jam tonight at 7. remember structure. gotta firm up with the guys on song structure for more feel and less ongoing never ending jams. just sitting here staring in to nothing. its good to let your mind run off to nowhere. i will give myself a few more minutes and get outta here. one quick note about public transportation. interesting that every morning i see the same people. sit in the same car. we look at one another and look away. the repetition. creatures of habit. walk the same route. why not say hello to a fellow passenger that you see everyday. i see the same person everyday walking in the city as i walked to work. told myself i would start saying hello. make a change. be different. stopped seeing that person. makes you wonder. where do they go?? the things we remember, who we remember. the people we see and never converse with. just the nod. eye contact and then back to focus on our own webs. its time.

here i come!

here i come kids. this has been a long week. 3 night shifts and now i do the turn around to be at the store at 7 am. i sound like a caveman. ever get a really awful song in your head. mine is from the 80's. just another victim of the record companies shelling out crap and for some reason i was there to snatch it up... while lathering up in the show, all i could repeat over and over was janet jackson's "what have you done for me lately......dun duh duh, ooo, oooo, 0000, yeeaahh." sucks doesn't and your welcome if it gets stuck in your head. amazed i am still awake. just pulled myself out of a free falling mind zone. need more go go juice. i will make it happen today. for the most part, since i have moved i have placed many important rollins band songs on my ipod for motivation. today is one of those days to go to the archive, dig in, listen and kick it!

starve, on my way to the cage, also ran, jam #1 (w/charles gayle) and threshold.

if there is something you want, go get it!

fuzz

there was a moment when i looked at myself in the dark this morning. not really dark. enough to see myself but everything was grey and fuzzy. the fuzz messes with your depth perception. long day yesterday and i will have another one today. back to back night shifts with a morning shift on the back end. i will do it! its the work. speaking with a great friend last night. nice supportive comments made. for that i am grateful. on the bart last night and the power was cut. a fight broke out at macarthur station and one of the culprits jumped on the track. slight delay. i know your in a fight but why turn that in to a possible electrocution? people are funny. must motivate. might write more later. its morning meeting time. kick ass!

no name

i believe i will rename the site today. not sure about outburst. will think hard about it. no name. want to create a concept to help the bottom line. what do people need that i have, that will change there lives?? i have spent many a bart ride asking the question. keeping driving for an answer. his week i will create a new dream board. there are more things i need in my life. not material things. things that will help change/shape my life. always seems people want more. the market knows this. last night watching tv, there were so many ads for cell phones. every commercial break had a cell phone ad. why? companies know people want new. why? what is wrong with the one in your hand?? its not broken. its still works. its that the one in your hand is old news. its became old when you bought it. another one replaced it immediately. i am in retail, so its funny to figure this out. i want to sell something to people that will change there lives. nothing material that will become junk or old news yesterday.

oh my head

woke up this morning with a headache. interesting on days like this one, how i can perform better. maybe be it holds down on the chatter. went to sleep at 12am and up at 5am. short sleep, but i am good for it. having 3 days off set me back a bit. my game is much sharper on little sleep. now that i have my coffee, i am much better! everything is pretty damn good. excellent holiday. i figured i would have more to say. thinking of the past. its what shapes us. its this moment right now that matters. not what will and what did.... its right now.

after black friday

after being up since 5 am yesterday and going long at work till 6 pm, i was pretty well wiped out. the pace is unbelievable. the people. money. fashion. snobs. nice people. language barriers. the hair. saw a woman that resembled an older dolly parton. the hair was so big and fluffy. just wanted to touch it! will it move or is it solid as a rock?

on the couch typing away. the "babers" is reading. little d is singing to her new cd. i am not going to bless you with whom he is singing. wish it was black sabbath... just another victim to the record industry churn and burn.. it is cute. i have work at 1 pm. gotta get my head around getting motivated. spent some time on sticking patterns this morning. my damn left hand! it will catch up. keep the work going. push harder for greatness. time for breakfast, bike ride and the grind. amazes me how on your first day back to work, you are thinking of your next day off. when is my next day off?

the day after

the day after and i believe i am still full. nice spending time with family. i need to wake up. i received some important information that needed to be cleared up. good to know. trying. trying to get a move on. my body says no. soon the caffeine will kick in and all will be good. damn its cold here. i know one thing is for sure. i am not shoveling snow. huge day ahead of me. i believe it is going to fly by. thousands of customers. it is going to be out of control. bring it!

sitting at the table last night i thought about my web of friends and family. with all i have been through(this is where i say no patronizing) i am extremely lucky. my health and family, i have. that sounds like a yodaism. troubled, he is. freak job, i am!

Graditude

discussing the idea of thanksgiving. for me it will always be jaded. gratitude is key. may not be the best time. thankful for my family. wish i could skip the holiday season. mostly b/c it has become less of a holiday and more about shopping. do what you can to make it enjoyable. so many dynamics. i have a dinner to go to tonight. really nice when you get a surprise. family friends have invited us for a feast. i don't have to worry about the mess and cooking. just show up and have fun. grateful that my day is simple.

does it rattle

there are many things rattling in my brain. first, yesterday was a good day. early to rise. managers meeting went well and quick. by 9:30 i was home and eating pancakes. bike ride. drums. walk. yoga. sleep. excellent to be relaxed. i was still a bit tense from all that is me. me being my bodies memory. thats why yoga was a bonus yesterday. been hanging out with little d all morning. went for another bike ride with "the tongue". about to do some sticking techniques.

one thing to add before i go. speaking with a family friend who i will being having dinner with tomorrow night. asked me about my job and i told her how great the opportunity is and how lucky i was for the job to fall in my lap. she immediately corrected me and said i made it happen. this is true. our family was so dead set on being in SF, that this job opportunity came about b/c i wanted it. interesting question or subject. what do you think?

6:10 tuesday morning

speaking to a good friend last night about the trials of life. everyone has a story. there are some who live the life and those that don't. either way, its a persons life. perception = reality. for me, i had to suffer. i had to suffer to get where i am now. i am better for it. i believe the number one factor in most peoples happiness is money. but i question this piece of the puzzle. i have had money and i have lost money. been better with no money. when i say no money, i mean nothing to fall back on. no one to count on. its you and the pavement. nothing else. thats where you find what you are looking for. sink or swim. you eat or you do not eat. its in that suffering that life begins. it black and white. no gray area. its where you get after it everyday to make something happen. feels good!

the monday

monday. 5:21 am and here i am. wanted to write something down and completely forgot what it was. should i continue doing this writing? yeah. it helps in so many ways. i went to bed 5 hours ago. not sure if i slept, stayed awake or was asleep while dreaming of work. interesting how that happens. i remember sitting at the fireplace and crying for him. what a disaster. think. what is it for? command presence. saw an example of that on the bart last night. cop and dog team. gotta go. no rest for the wicked as usual. why rest when you can kick some ass!

certain things

its foggy and the sun is breaking through at a distance. hang on, the espresso is boiling. short and sweet today. and then there is that.... with a blank, i will stop. more tomorrow and beyond.

i thought i had something to say

i thought i had something to say. i do, but it may take a while to get it moving out. gotta get to the bart early today. catch the 5:59. there was a time when i did not have to hustle. wake up so early. travel so far. those days are over. thank goodness. not that i don't miss the casual life. it was just passing me by. always more. grab it and get after it! there is more of everything here. gotta get plugged in. could take a while. in the meantime(just like the helmet song) do what you can and everything will fall in to place. saturday 11.17.2007=kick some ass!

sulllen & ready to go

hood is on and i am sipping my coffee. good jam last night. feeling better about my playing. first time i started a beat and everyone got in to it. felt excellent to control the feel. to many shuffles.... i go in i play hard and i get outta there. want to find more people to play with.
interesting to think about this blog. is it possible people are paying attention? is it important that people pay attention? at the moment, i want what i want. write, work, eat, family, drums & sleep. not always in that order. time to get after it!

there is daylight

i am use to writing this when it is dark outside. interesting to have daylight gleaming in the windows while on the couch. i prefer the darkness. black. no today show. no noise. black & peace. to much chatter.

watched the pirates of the jellybean last night. little d was awesome! brought tears to my eyes. she was so good! am i missing it? no. just kicking ass to make it happen.

there are times when i question the state of america. the television. the magazines. the machine. when you sit and watch, there is so much crap on the tube. why is it interesting to watch over weight americans flounder to lose weight on a so called reality show? how about my sweet sixteen birthday bash party. watched a sixteen year old have a huge birthday bash and then get a 65k range rover. raise your middle finger! it makes me sick. people somehow believe they deserve such gifts for turning 16. what is the message? a child that age will grow up with no concept of money. in some ways, i was brought up this way. spend, spend, spend. it took me years to figure out what i wanted. now i know. i realize instant gratification brings nothing. nothing for the soul. no passion! join the machine or not. i choose not to. there is more. if you want reality, stop and look around. reality is a street person asking you for money. reality is a guy hustling to get to work on time. a woman sprinting to catch the muni. so many people miss it. though peoples perception is there reality. most peoples reality is pathetic. self absorbed and narrow minded. want reality....join me for a ride! i am out there everyday kicking ass! what are you doing? don't worry, i know and it makes me laugh!

mentor..

yesterday, i got a call from a very good friend saying he is moving back to california in a few months. my mentor. extremely exciting! a friend moving to the bay area. is this what i need? am i lacking a close friend to kick it with? in some ways yes and others no... having said this, with out a doubt, i am glad i will have a good friend in the area.

while debating this thought, i started to wonder about many things. one thought that struck me was the time of year and its emptiness. november is a empty month to me. is that why i starve for friendship? unclear.

always trying to convince friends to move to me. i miss my friends. my friends are my family. not much in the way of "blood". blood is thicker than water. who the hell came up with that saying. that's crap! my friends have been more of a family to me than anyone in my so called family... always there for me! i miss my friends!

its time!

i try

look at you with a tie on today. bringing a bit of class to the joint. got that yesterday. feeling the need for change. felt good to go back to my roots. roots. roots. sneeze. in case you are wondering, the dog is snoring. did you enjoy the "life is war" piece?? its true. if not, get out of my way. got better things to do. ooooh, its the thirteenth. 13. what a good number. its not coming so clearly this morning. scatter brained the last few days. not in a bad way, that's just how my brain works. slow down. breathe. one thing at a time. not 20 things at once. you want to do that so bad, but it creates a chaotic place in your body and brain. we like chaos though.?! chaos is the root of it all. yesterdays theme was chaos, or was that the day before..? embrace the chaos and conquer.

i am sitting in front of the screen embracing the chaos right now! you?

neurons are firing slowly

trying, but unable to put the numbers together. so simple but impossible at times. pulled a 18 hour day yesterday. hell yeh. got it done. i will have a few more of these days ahead. embrace the chaos. harness its power. its one of the best things you can do through out the day. why fight when you can ride the wave. can you say cliche. its true. anytime i fight, walls are immediately placed right in front of me, with a feeling of heaviness. let go and accept what it is...the easier things flow with no feeling of anxiety. so much better. now i can feel the caffeine coursing through my veins. have some city aches. big difference being on city streets vs mountain trails. doing more yoga which will certainly help my physical and mental game.

its monday. its time. KICK SOME ASS!

fingers at the ready

my fingers are at the ready. ready to do damage to the skins. ready to write, type & tap. consider twiddle, but pretty lame since its due to boredom. no need to be bored. there is plenty to do. enough to see! i know i have mentioned this, but i love 5am. the stillness. wow, on a completely different note..explain the whole football or sports thing to me. don't get me wrong, i will watch a football game or 2 over the next few month, but whats the deal with buying all the stuff. the shirts? the hats? the #1 fingers? my biggest question is the violence that is spawned by the field play of action. alcohol consumption and team spirit turn to violence when a group is encountered by the opposition.... where number 1!?! are you really number 1? the members of the team who just sucked it up on the field are number 1. some how by default fans embrace the victory. for what? so they can feel better about themselves at night? feel better when they are completely hungover and at the water cooler at work the next day, discussing how fucked up they got.. wow, you got the life, you really go the life.... ok, that was a tangent i was unprepared for.

finger to temple, pause and think......

life is war

this is a thought that has been running in my head for a while. since thinking about moving to sf. to get in to the spirit of change, that became my mantra. LIFE IS WAR. KICK SOME ASS! these short phrases have been the words needed to keep pushing when there is nothing left. no chance in hell i will fail. not an option. i believe i mentioned that on a previous post. failing not an option. why fail, when you can set yourself up for success. the bottom line is this.....its a war out there, be it nice or dirty. you want something, get after it. quit the bitching and move through it. of course everyone has there dreams and needs as a human being. the new car, bigger house, but is that the dream?? to some people yes. i believe that's shit. i have come to this point in my life where its not about what i have. its what i have accomplished. how much ass have i kicked. how will you be remembered..... did you visit the mall every weekend and just hang out or did you realize there is more... more than what is perpetuated and regurgitated on the television. get up off you ass and do something. LIFE IS WAR! KICK SOME FUCKING ASS!

11.9.2007

THERE IT SITS. steam rising from the rim. WHAT SHALL I DO WITH IT TODAY. i think i will stop with the caps and no caps. hit gridlock. my head is still spinning from playing last night. good jam. there will be more and i will grow. i feel i hit a snag in my playing. ok, b/c i know that means i am about make another break through. searching for my sound.

first time sitting at the keys and wondering what to write. many thought running through, but unclear reasons for no expression. feel much clearer at 5 am. to much chatter. i will release 7 words. will. desire. must. fear. learn. pipe. humble.

foul to the pressure

it has come to my attention that pressure can create massive amounts of cream cheese in one's brain. there is no explaining this rare and devastatingly cruel illness. after 12-14 hrs of work related stress, one has to think, who the hell is benefiting from this use of energy?? i know i am, because i kick lots of ASS! There is no telling what you can do while under the scope. there are days i can type and days that i suck. the flow. not the flow. whatever?! i have 2 days to get what i need and then back to the grind. those days will be filled with work, but that is what i signed on for. opportunity is knocking and i must respond, no matter the consequences. consequences? there is no consequence. only action. failure is never an option. succeed or fail? i succeed to kick the ass that everyone else refuses to combat!

what's behind the door

always afraid what is behind the door. encounter a gentleman ready to wield a weapon. coffee is yummy. how about the individuals i witness on the bart. are they just schleps?? are they living just enough for the city? one question mark here, 2 over there. spell two, or write the number 2 (3). cross your arms and give the presence. i want my letter of resignation. if you only knew how many times i had to make corrections on the first sentence. sleep shelby. no lick shelby. i am going insane shelby. the control. this expression is helping me in so many ways. my legs ache, my foot hurts, i'm only 4. perpetual 12 year old. my hair is still wet from the show. thats nice. i just focused in on the second hand.

green is for money

green is for money. there are times when i make progress and make none. when ever i look at the time, i despise the symbols. the symbol it represents. i do not want to wear it anymore. sell it you fool. does it make a difference in the world whether or not you have it? no chance in hell it does. i have enough. if there is anything important to me, have it. otherwise, shed it from my being. what progress i have made. i am completely over it. grown out of the misery. the misery that almost killed me. the money that harnessed me to his every dream. yeah, its called blood money. money that i did not want and made myself feel better, by assuming i was better. better than everyone. what did i have.....period. thats what i had. a period at the end of a sentence. luckily that period created something. survival.

hours

the hours are earlier and later. it is really chilly this morning. water is boiling. where am i going with this. i have the morning off and will enjoy it. hit the skins! bike ride. walk. the dog is twitching up a storm. is that a dream or is that just a bunch of crap... when will it happen. the core of the HA. how random is that phrase. the core of the HA. what the hell am i saying. i am saying everything that jumps in my ADD brain. do you think you could survive my brain for a second? i always want to put more than one exclamation point, period or question mark. emphasis? OCD? is it really any different with more... more what? more of that. this, that and UH. my typing and brain go coo koo. example.....dna. that would be "and" in my brain, typed by my fingers... more periods

the light from my bathroom window

the light from my bathroom window. fell back today. 9:30 on the west coast. 10:30 on my body, mind and soul. crashed hard and early last night. felt good and very refreshed. my hands are extraordinarily clean from all the dish scrubbing. scallywag. sip the coffee. i have a schedule to keep and its hanging inthe balance with 50 members. i have no clue what to do, what to say, what to think.. its the job and the passion. passion to work hard. play hard. what am i doing here. i am here to kick some ass. i want to play drums all the time. being creative is SO cool. so cool....so cool....the dog is sitting up sulking for some reason. stare i to no where dog. its still the same. stop! sulk. stare. LAY DOWN DAMN IT!

will call me tomorrow

will call me tomorrow. i have my third eye in my hand and taking many a gulp to get the time passing. time is passing whether or not i drink my third eye. it has just passed again. i could see light in my tunnel vision with my eyes closed. in my slumber the light was as bright as the sun. tick tock tick tock. now. now. now. wow. its peaceful to have nothing pass through my brain. my brain is chaos. so many things bobbing and weaving through. snore. traffic. what does my third eye have in store for me today? what ever it is, i am sure my wife will dislike it.

I HAVE NO CLUE

so as everyone may already know, i moved to sf. this blog will become a shouting board. a stream of consciousness.

i can hear the bart from my apt. the speed and the noise are something indescribable. coffee time. large sips are good. yummy. the dog is snoring between fits of insanity. i have nothing to say. arms feel good from playing last night. playing with people has changed everything. i have interviews to do at work. flat line. is that how you spell that. its 5:31 and i am writing this piece. i think this writing will be good instead of a radio show. maybe i will come up with some material soon and post it. post it. the color green. the color of money. when i think of green i think of money. tattoos. drums. skill. hyper. i want more tattoos. silence for a moment and the refrigerator is humming.

Patrick