if there was a name

if there was a name or a definition for my thought, what would it be?? unclear. many words to describe. enigma inside an enigma? i enjoy plethora! labyrinth? plethora does not describe space, but it describes by how much or does it?

my state last night. closing my eyes. awakened by the sounds of arrival. close my eyes. breathe. visions of purple and shadows of spirit. it is a very unknown place, my slumber. in that place, i look deeper. deeper to search for an answer. what will it show me? the heart races & the mind calms. if i take a step closer, will i return from my own projected echelon?

there is an answer. close. breathe. empower. vision!

brain/mind

for all to see. the words i type.

i have had an excellent 2 days off. its pretty much the same as the past few. a good practice mentally and physically. the best:the calm in my mind. the racing is at a minimum and i am much more conscious. thoughts process quicker and with less chaos. its a huge step.

i got it. there is more to come. i will embrace and move....

shhh! to the mind

word for word

attack:save. it:there. where:gone. reason:none. from:to. guide:weather. measure:toe. sip:cup. find:desire. venue:tour. know:me. ticket:time. curse:life. furry:calm. quest:purchase. honor:whatever. slice:pizza. xanadu:dream. sad:pocket. hand :pipe. slurp:annoying. tongue:pierce. zebra:colossal. butt:trick. hyper:caffeine. radio:antennae. yours:yours. mine:yours. west:solid. yipe:their. forecast:destruction. post:dig. believe:course. bust:rise. hide:means. savor:food. result:look. knee:ache. worm:dirt. dirt:dirt. tap:zip. nine:5. fore:play. chaos:brain. pinky:brain. fingers:type. hide.counter. vice:due. unclear:words. slap:hard. fidget:addiction. ass:man. rest:no. gratitude:daily. vest:black. trend:lame. just:fine. hire:young. link:past. guest:mystery. line:diagonal. wire:dine. hope:truth. calm:peace. ion:onion. drums:human. alive:


manic

7 months

7 months. if someone told me i lived in SF for 7 months, i would respond by saying you are insane. its true. thats what i am sating now. i have lived in SF for 7 months and that is completely insane! why? because there is a part of me that feels that i just arrived yesterday. another part of me feels i have been here 2 years. it snapped by just like that! now, the question is how do i feel? in the present. exhausted. i am doing a holiday turn around. i left the store at 10:45pm. up at 5am for the opening. overall? AWESOME! the things i have learned and done are amazing. at work i have been playing catch up, but i just made a small turn a few days ago and things are smoother. i have about another 3-6 months before i am at 90% or greater. would love to say 100%, but i believe i have to be realistic. personal life? SOLID!(bringing back a 70's word of positivity.) the love is amazing. babers and little d. its always a constant. drum practice? i am extremely happy where i am right now. learning and playing to new material. playing with new people is excellent. i always want more time, but i must be grateful for what i have in the present. physical activity? yoga has seen me through alot of my stress. i feel stronger physically and mentally after every session. i take yoga off the mat everyday(sometimes there are moments of weakness). overall yoga has helped improve my mental practice at home and work. i again want more, but i must be grateful for what i have right now! from time to time i am able to take a bike ride and its nice to be outside in the california sun.

my message today? well. this is the segment where i may say i want more.... be grateful! there is always more. yes i want more drum time, yoga, relaxation, time from work, time with babers and little d. its the time.? time to remember i got it all. to be as dialed as i am after 7 months in SF. pretty amazing! will i always want more? yes. its the wanting that drives us, but at the same time one must remember the present. so philosophical.

too many days

its been too many days since i last wrote. there is a lot going on, specially in my head. off balance thoughts. moments of clarity. chaos. ease. any choice words? in some way its catching up with me. its time. time for all i do and want to do. this is where choices must be made. it seems i cannot make choices b/c i am overloaded. not clear if i am making sense. this where if you listened to my radio show you would understand more of my chaotic nature. inside my brain is a scary place. moments of chaos are interrupted by short bursts of amazing calm. similar to the ocean. it may be a dead calm on top, but a war underneath. and vice versa. chaos on top, calm underneath.

for now, it could be the moon. it could be any number of things. i have to be strong and understand my state. go to a place of gratitude. i am grateful for what i have. i went to the wife yesterday and mentioned "i just want this much." that small space between your thumb and pointer finger. barely an inch. a cm. a mm. that is all i ask. after 5 days of work(nights) there was no time. i say that and understand that i have to use my time wisely. take it when i can get it!

the mantra: calm. peace. patience. percussion.

the week of nights

this has been the week of nights. in that time i have observed many stages of emotion. its important to slow everything down, breathe and contend with situations as they come. i have to contain my frenetic energy.

fre·net·ic or phre·net·ic (frə-nět'ĭk) Pronunciation Key
adj. Wildly excited or active; frantic; frenzied.

[Middle English frenetik, from Old French frenetique, from Latin phrenēticus, from Greek phrenītikos, from phrenītis, brain disease, from phrēn, mind; see g^whren- in Indo-European roots.]

en·er·gy (ěn'ər-jē) Pronunciation Key
n. pl. en·er·gies

1. The capacity for work or vigorous activity; vigor; power. See Synonyms at strength.
2. 1. Exertion of vigor or power
      
   2. Vitality and intensity of expression

to harness is work, but it pays off in the end. helps maintain the fire! mean what you say and say what you mean.. is it one more anecdote. no its the truth.

sometimes, its difficult to articulate...

its time. here we go!

is it chemical?

there are moments when my mind runs scared. is it my brain or my mind? famous words of little d. my mind. in the last seven months, i have accomplished many things. my body has caught up. fewer aches and pains. now its my mind that suffers. how do i manage the stress and overload? breathe is number one. i can mange stress and heaviness with my breathe. i also have to manage my mind and what enters. i get nervous when my mind is overwhelmed and out of control. feels manic. example: my phone just rang and i got a shot of anxiety. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ALL ABOUT!

there has to be a point when my mind catches up. soon, i hope. i will be patient and observe.

get up and get after it!

its true what RHCP says...

its extremely true what the boys of RHCP's say....speaking of california. it kicks ass and there is no other place to be. "dream of californication!" all the time kiedis speaks of cali. flea on back ups... its a feel. the zone! I LOVE IT! watched a whole lot of old footage of the RHCP's on you tube. realize what a influence they are on my life since 1991.

yesterday was a challenge. had to hand out a rep remand. was not easy, but necessary!

got on the skins for a while yesterday and made the connection. got in the pocket. playing to new material. love the challenge.

right now, i am kicking ass and will keep it up!

open

as i woke up this morning, the word open came to mind. i am leaving myself open. open for suggestion. open for opportunity. opening my mind. part of my mantra. open.

i am allowing every thought to enter my mind. observe every thought. if i choose to use or consider that thought, i will. if not, chuck it!

the last few days have proven difficult, but i have remained on top. i have observed my most recent issues from this week. there is nothing that can shake what i want.

i am baby ganesh. mover of obstacles. out of my way!

clarity and communication

2 c's. clarity. communication. 2 things extremely important. i keep re-learning these elements. its frustrating but true. i have not learned the art of clarity or communication. its true what they say, if you do not learn from history(even your own) you are destine to repeat it again!

this also goes for people communicating to you. lack of communication creates chaos and problems. i know what i am talking about. this is why i define the next word. disrespect

Disrespect /ˌdɪsrɪˈspɛkt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[dis-ri-spekt] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation

–noun

1.	lack of respect; discourtesy; rudeness.

–verb (used with object)

2.	to regard or treat without respect; regard or treat with contempt or rudeness.

if you do not communicate, one is not allowed to be disrespectful. its your own damn fault for lacking the skills....

i am glad we had this chat. GOOD TALK!

consider it a waste of time

as humans, there are plenty of things that distract us. cell phones. tv. any video game. "the internets" people spend thousands of dollars on computers to surf "the internets." is this technology utilized in a way to improve lives of average people(this is where i might say am-er-i-cans) much of it is a distraction. one could consider my time and site a distraction. there is no fluff to my sight. its my words, thoughts and opinions. take it as you wish. this is not myspace and facebook. travel to these sites to see and meet friends of old and new. there is a catch.... here is the waste of time. waste time playing games. trivia. scrabble. anything and everything to distract your mind. there is so much more to our lives than games and sites to connect the dots of your past. that is why i no longer participate in facebook. it was fun at first, but i found myself on the site adding dumb ass games to my page. sitting back i figured i was not accomplishing anything, but wasting time. i quote gordon gecko from wall street. "rich enough not to waste time." well the rich part is questionable, but wasting time is correct. do not waste time. everyday should be full to point of being numb with accomplishment. what are you going to do? do you choose to sit? do choose to live?

who's time?

there are moments when i wonder who's time? is my time really my time?? it is and it is not. i am writing for myself and thinking about work. that takes training. train the mind to say no to other thoughts other than your own. its frustrating. its the hooks. "they get their hooks in to you!" they? its the job. errands. laundry. the dog. bills. anything and everything that has to do with.... i believe you understand. it needs a word, but its a void.

i will fight for my time today! what will i do?? i will go for a nice walk this morning. breakfast. warm up on the drum pad. play the drums. play the drums. play the drums. i have some new books for learning independence and rudiments.

while on my time, as rare as it it is, i think of one important element. i want to work as a drummer. i want to make the money i make now and have more time for my passion! DRUMS! learning more about percussion. its what i want! will some one finance my life to give me what i want?

searching for inspiration

on the "internets" searching for inspiration to write. lecture. impose an opinion about human nature. humans fascinate me! is it because i am unhuman? no. it has become my nature to watch people. scrutinize what people say and do. i people watch. i listen. eaves drop. i enjoy it so much! what a place to do what i love. the bart. walking in the city. work. there is so much material, its ridiculous. i have nothing that is fresh from the streets of SF, but i have something from this place from which i write. its free running. its another so called "extreme sport" where people run around and jump off of things. roof top to the ground. jump steps. its an urban sport using the environment to play. well for some reason this so called "sport" is now getting national attention. there is a group of "free runners" touring the nation with a free running course to teach people about the sport. touring college campuses.. it even has its own shoe. its OWN SHOE PEOPLE! here buy this shoe and you can jump and run of shit just like me.... maybe even jump off a building and break your ass! for some reason it is considered an "extreme sport". (are you enjoying the quotation marks and exclamation points today?) this is the thing that fascinates me. creating a sport from nothing. considering it a "art form" because you can run and jump off of building and not get hurt. some may say, "well trick, why don't you try it.... you are just making fun of it b/c you cannot do it." lets be clear. if i wanted to do it, yes i would. it does not seem appealing. my point here is that i can appreciate it, but its hilarious to consider this thing people do an "extreme sport" or "an art form". for years i considered my fly fishing an art form. its not an art form, its something i can do with my eyes closed. with enough practice, the thing you love to do comes with ease. do you need your own "capitalist" shoe to do so? it cracks me up to think some guy in a cubical thought it would be a great idea to create a shoe for "extreme running." damn. why didn't i think of that?

its seems its been a while

its been a while. since the 6th. what is four days? for me thats a while since i was writing every day. will do my best to get more words on this page. its been busy! work. play. in the last 7 days, i have been outside and its been awesome! the weather in california is amazing!! sunny and now longer days.... speaking of long days, last night was a long one. woke up a bunch. i think every hour. i am fumbling around and doing silly things while my mind moves at a slower, unsleepable rate. i made a mistake about an expiration date on a half and half carton. smells funny, but i think its ok..?? WRONG! curdled. not so yummy....

what is my philosophy today? one thing i am having a problem with is striking the correct letters while typing..frustration! its communication. this is a skill many people lack. i lack it or cannot find the words sometimes. its my mind before my mouth. that is possible with my ADD ASS! its the hardest part of all my mind molting hyper spazz life. back to communication. communicating what you need and want is imperative at work and home. if you say you are a great communicator and your story changes, well there is a problem. this kind of situation happens to me all the time and its time to nip it! its called getting it in writing! the story stays the same if you have no proof. you are basically stuck. otherwise there is no solid ground to stand beneath you.

time to kick it! leaving early to get to work. yoga at work. can you dig it?!

get this, "you are paying for 8 hours of work."

i use

it was an everyday thing. i always wrote on this page. it was a morning ritual. i want to write more. my schedule has changed AGAIN....so i spend my time on the drums, which is what i want!

panel six is making the change to the west coast. i will get him involved daily on the site. it has been a while since he has posted. consumed with life.

plenty to write about the next two days. i have many things to do & plenty of ass to kick!

no title

there are not many of you. of course there is only one of me. scary thought? i have no title for this. no need. i have explained or elaborated on many different subjects in the last 6 months. a place to vent. be opinionated. i am me!

at this very moment my feet are petting "the lick." its at this moment i question myself. my being and what the hell i am doing. in the morning i am at peace and extremely calm. by the end of the day i am spun. i want to remain this calm in my mind. i notice my cruelty. every night i get in to it with "the lick"(my dog) i punish her for being the dog she is. its amazing the state of mind on my part and hers. the state being, our calm in the morning. by this afternoon, i will not want to deal with her. push her aside in the corner. "STAY!" yell obscenities about her eating habits and volume. stop her obsessed clean up after we eat. say one cruel thing after another again & again.... irony. i believe i made her the way she acts. neurotic. obsessed. high strung. in many ways she is the living dog of me. all things being true in the universe, it is me.

observe what you do, create and despise. the despise, just may be a part of you.

the sweat

put a major sweat on last night. woke up in the middle of the night drenched with sweat. up at 8. feeling better. woke up to the birds outside my window. immediately got up and went for a walk. felt good to be outside instead of sitting on the couch all DAY! thats what i accomplished yesterday. accomplished?? well that is.... a word. accomplished getting better! today is my monday. gotta make it happen!

thinking about this starbucks closing for 3 hours the other day. people were bitching. complaining... why are they doing this?? quit your bitching. can you survive without starbucks for one day silly people of planet earth. there are other coffee shops. starbucks has a business to improve. doing what needs to be done to make things better. get over yourself and quit your BITCHING! "why can i not get my grande orange latte frappuccino with 2% at 98 degrees?"

GOT A HIGH MAINTENANCE??

waking up

i woke up yesterday feeling under the weather. skipped yoga. took it easy. ran a fever all night. had the shakes at 2 am. this morning i felt as if i had a massive lump in my throat. still running a fever. sitting back and watching a movie. want to motivate and do some research on the web. percussion research.

its almost noon. cannot stand being sick. the weakness. no motivation. it sucks!

things fall apart and then you get up....