what to observe

i ride the bart. i walk to work. there is so much to see.

its similar to the starbucks mom syndrome.

teenager. big 80's style glasses. hollister sweatshirt. ipod. blackberry. sucking back on a jamba juice. (every other word is like) forever 21 shopping bag. sitting next to her is her friend, wearing a similar arrangement. mom is behind them, trying not to be noticed.

its amazing what we have become. driven by capitalism. i was taught the same principles. took years of unlearning. when i get money, i have to really think about what i want(which is a really good thing). before i would just spend to spend.

interesting to see it all over again.

the zone continues

this is great. the zone continues! its an overwhelming feeling. floating.

today is my friday and i will be treating myself. i have the next few days to myself. this afternoon i am going to go exchange my cymbal for another one. maybe this king was right. 10" splashes are for poofs. its just not working for me. gonna get a larger crash and call it good. no need for more than that.

now. its time to eat and get caffeinated.

here i go....

purple potato

i know how to spell potato. ever experienced a purple potato? interesting when expecting a white one. its a medley of potato's...

wheels are in motion. i have put myself out there and we shall see what happens. its exciting being in the flow. at the dinner table last night, the wife and i were commenting on being in the zone. it is a feeling to embrace!

its time to find my place in sf. its coming. i have my mantra. now its the universes turn to deliver the answer. it will be interesting to see how this one plays out! if you only new my mantra. is it something you need. want? do you have your own? its all about what you want. the energy will find its way to you.

scorpio moon

the scorpio moon is treating me well. spring fever! also other avenues that i have had issues with have become more clear. i found a new drum teacher in berkeley. teaches afro cuban beats. something i really want to learn more about!

in the flow and loving it. i always get a bit anxious the first day back to work. i am working hard to settle in and let it move away. do your job. do it well. go home! thats the trick. know it to be true.

nothing else to report.

its not i wish, its i will!

what i have in mind

unclear what i have in mind. four days off really helped me settle in for better mind calibration. whatever that means? its means i feel better mentally. good job. now i am talking to myself.... i feel more at ease communicating and thing about what i need. i still have my usual battles of chaos. the battles are shorter and consumed with feelings of compassion. gratitude. there is more to life than the job. yes i love to work. i do not live to work. i work to live.

i see it everyday on the bart. in the city. everywhere! frenetic energy creates a buzz of gotta go somewhere faster, harder with no concept of the present. slow it down. open a door for someone. say hello. be gracious. small steps will create more steps to improve your work/personal life. it takes one positive thought to make it happen. this is not neverland. its real life. how you choose to live it, is yours..

you can walk around with x's on your eyes or you can unlearn what you have already learned, for a better life

are most people?

are most people oblivious? its inconceivable that anyone would answer an email from a far away place promising millions of dollars. give us 10K and we will give you 15M?? why is that worth any ones time? give money away based on an email from someone you do not know?? how? why? i understand these scams are meant to prey on people, but again how is it believable?? sitting here thinking about it makes me laugh....

i wrote that last piece b/c i have received 2 emails in the last 4 days promising millions if i give some one 10K. its a shame you cannot block these kind of emails. cons go around and use other emails...

enough of that!

the last 4 days have been just what i needed! 4 off! relaxation. birthday. walked the golden gate. drove a mini cooper. played drums! yoga! a most excellent 4 day weekend! i woke up at 5am for the first time in a while and its quite nice. birds are going. sun is rising. getting mentally prepared for the day. gratitude and compassion are my two words. gratitude for what i have. compassion for those who need it the most. people who are the most challenging and try to pull the wool over my eyes. its a mental game. nothing personal. i choose not to be spun..

i want to write more often. so i will try.

exclamation point...

integrity

in·teg·ri·ty - /ɪnˈtɛgrɪti/ Pronunciation Key - [in-teg-ri-tee]
–noun

1.adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

2.the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preserve the integrity of the empire.

3.a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition: the integrity of a ship's hull.

is it being tested. yes. do i enjoy it being tested? no. even more so, its what to do with the information. speak out or say nothing? testing ones ability to find an answer. what is true/false.

the mind does not rest. very aware at all times. the emotion is worn on the shoulder. for good or bad, its what is done to rescue thoughts from consumption. as time passes, the shoulder becomes bare and strong. thoughts linger in the mind, but the truth is already known from the first instant integrity is questioned.

the trick speaks in tongues. whether or not you believe it, i am unrest!

bird song

i normally title the segment before i write, but nothing is happening. its been quite some time. i feel the keys jump away from my fingers. what else to add? i have had a wicked schedule this month. pretty tired, but working through it. its unusual for the local birds to sing songs at 5:36 in the morning, but they are up to something. anyway, hanging on for a 3 day weekend. gonna kick it! lots of drums. yoga. rest the mind. i want to do something that is out of my comfort zone. we shall see??

this morning i woke up to my usual routine. decided to meditate for the first time before i settle in to drink coffee and write. its a nice way to start the day. set an intention. let the mind wander where it wants. felt good. i believe i will do this 3 times a week, maybe more.

i am going to go sit outside and listen to birds debate.

go meditate...

i come home

i come home and i want some peace. not happening. 30 minutes? ok? no. last night was a perfect example of not going with the flow, turning my ears off and unable to help process other peoples needs. its frustrating. i have the capacity, but unwilling to take the breath needed to get me there.

pause.

i have to surrender. i keep fighting the current. it is possible peace will come with less resistance. the more resistance, the more chaos, the less chance for peace and mindfulness.

i know what is in store today, so its difficult to keep calm. it starts in 20min. the go. get in there. do the job. do it well. get out and live it!

listen:

lis·ten:/ˈlɪsən/ Pronunciation Key [lis-uhn] –verb (used without object)
1.to give attention with the ear; attend closely for the purpose of hearing; give ear.

which came first?

which came first. my chicken or my egg? what part of my body will be the chicken. the heart. egg = the soul. well that is easy answer considering conception. but does one have a soul at conception? the heart is conceptualized in our dna make-up so, is that not considered. possible the heart comes first. the soul. is it in our dna or does it come from thin air. is it learned. is i passed on from lost souls attempting to infringe on life patterns itself??

the trick. my egg is cracked(on the path to greatness). my chicken is huge

conflict and end

this is where i am at....

con·flic:t v. kuhn-flikt; n. kon-flikt] Pronunciation Key –verb (used without object)
1.to come into collision or disagreement; be contradictory, at variance, or in opposition; clash
2.to fight or contend; do battle.
–noun
3.a fight, battle, or struggle, esp. a prolonged struggle; strife.

end: /ɛnd/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[end] Pronunciation Key –noun
1.the last part or extremity, lengthwise, of anything that is longer than it is wide or broad: the end of a street; the end of a rope.
2.a point, line, or limitation that indicates the full extent, degree, etc., of something; limit; bounds
3.a part or place at or adjacent to an extremity

this is where my body wants to be.....

gnos·tic: [nos-tik] Pronunciation Key –adjective Also, gnos·ti·cal.
1.pertaining to knowledge.
2.possessing knowledge, esp. esoteric knowledge of spiritual matters.
3.(initial capital letter) pertaining to or characteristic of the Gnostics.
–noun

interesting. the first 2 definitions are what came to my mind immediately after thinking of where i am. the third definition came from me blindly opening the dictionary and pointing. i will have a long think about is one....

in a good place

from the outside looking in, i am in a good place.

i am asking more questions.
i am being more of a smart ass!
i am prepared to stand up for myself & my needs.
i understand i can be in a confrontation and not get angry.
i will call people on there BS!

i am training for everything.

-trick

in fear

i am in fear mode. afraid i am being too emotional at the moment! could be resentment? could be i am not speaking up? its many different things. i am the one who is here. how i get out or stay in is my choice. its up to me!

do something rather than be locked down....

-the trick

wake the dead

quite an intro?! wake the dead... its a phrase that made its way in to my brain yesterday morning. name for a band? a concept to live by? live fast enough, loud enough..kick ASS enough to wake the dead! feels good to me...

its my monday, which is unusual. had my first sunday off since forever ago and i was comfortable/uncomfortable. comfortable enjoying yoga and family time. uncomfortable doing the schedule and thinking about work. sucks, but had to be done. its the claws. sometimes they have you. sometimes not. the more given, the more taken.

this past wednesday, myself and the family went to a concert at the palace of fine arts. zakir hussain and the masters of percussion. totally amazing! instruments: tabla, doyra, sitar, folk drums, sarangi and more.. it was so amazing. he and the other masters played for 3 hours and it was worth every dime spent. extremely soulful. it brings my understanding and want for percussion to a whole other level!

i have no battery

use the power wisely. i have no battery this morning. its 5:27 am and its time to kick some ass!

you must unlearn what you have already leaned. -yoda

the font has been exhausted

the font has been exhausted. everything has changes and it would be great to know the original font. will try something new for a change. its 5:35 am and i am kicking it! coffee and writing has become my new SF ritual. as i was saying last night, from a ray of light from the sky, i have received my timing again. nice to be on the kit and let go. release the control. stop thinking and just be....

5:41 am and thinking...

ultimate control

i have no ultimate control. it is an illusion. my illusion to try and take power back after all control has been lost. this last sentence is again, control. not happening. let it go! i am in chains. the control is not allowing mental and physical freedom. i am in the hole. my playing is controlled and locked in thinking. work is completely overwhelming at all times. my dog drives me insane when she just lays there. my wife moves the dish towel from the refrigerator and i go berserk. little d leaves her plate by the sink and i have a "crazy kathy" moment...

all of these moments point back to me and my issue. control. i want it. can i have it?? to some degree, but for the most part, let it go! there is no chance.... to control. to take it back is having the opposite effect.

i am attempting control in hundreds of tiny acts in 15 different scenarios of every second in my brain.

welcome to my torture....

con·trol- /kənˈtroʊl/[kuhn-trohl] -trolled, -trol·ling, noun
–verb (used with object)
1.to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.
2.to hold in check; curb: to control a horse; to control one's emotions.
3.to test or verify (a scientific experiment) by a parallel experiment or other standard of comparison.
4.to eliminate or prevent the flourishing or spread of: to control a forest fire.
5.Obsolete. to check or regulate (transactions), originally by means of a duplicate register.
–noun
6.the act or power of controlling; regulation; domination or command: Who's in control here?
7.the situation of being under the regulation, domination, or command of another: The car is out of control.
8.check or restraint: Her anger is under control.

what ever happened to...

what ever happened to "i will deliver." a friendly reminder from your so called memory. station identification. do i have a station? it seems to be on crazy lately. not one hundred percent of the time, but some. have i cracked. already been cracked, since birth. the control is being unleashed and in pursuit of complete domination. i must be freed.

honest broker- n. an impartial intermediary or arbitrator.

arbitrator-/ˈɑrbɪˌtreɪtər/[ahr-bi-trey-ter] n. a person chosen to decide a dispute or settle differences, esp. one formally empowered to examine the facts and decide the issue.

honest broker from open and point.
arbitrator because i enjoy the word.

control must be freed
freed to let me go
go to beat of the drum
drum the beat of 3's
3's are lucky
lucky to have timing
timing is know when to hit and quit it
it jests
jests the power that be
be present
present of now, not then or ahead
ahead is the vision to decipher
decipher some unheard voice
voice of fight or flight
flight of view
view your perception
perception is your own reality
reality is wisdom
wisdom can create calm
calm is what i seek
seek the mind
mind the peace
peace will occur mentally
mentally i will believe
believe it to what?

36 going on 12

rhythm

there are times when i wonder what the hell is going on?? open the websters dictionary. randomly put finger on a page and the word rhythm is what i stopped at...

rhythm: (rith-em) n. 1. movement or procedure with uniform or partnered recurrence of a beat, accent, or the like. 2. a. the pattern of regular or irregular pulses caused in music by the occurrence of strong and weak melodic and harmonic beats. b. a particular form of this: triple rhythm.

stuck in italic? will i be in the movement today??

tired, but i will see through. envision greatness. embrace the chaos. do not react. know your response. create internal calm.

the finger from websters

the word is cultured. (kul-cherd), adj. 1. enlightened. refined. 2. artificially nurtured or grown. cultured bacteria. 3. cultivated. tilled.

use it in a sentence. there was a time when cultured people roamed the country side, now its the damn heathens.

i have..

a ball under my foot. only speak when spoken to. try and be calm. let the mind settle. the element of pain has to end. be.