ultimate control

i have no ultimate control. it is an illusion. my illusion to try and take power back after all control has been lost. this last sentence is again, control. not happening. let it go! i am in chains. the control is not allowing mental and physical freedom. i am in the hole. my playing is controlled and locked in thinking. work is completely overwhelming at all times. my dog drives me insane when she just lays there. my wife moves the dish towel from the refrigerator and i go berserk. little d leaves her plate by the sink and i have a "crazy kathy" moment...

all of these moments point back to me and my issue. control. i want it. can i have it?? to some degree, but for the most part, let it go! there is no chance.... to control. to take it back is having the opposite effect.

i am attempting control in hundreds of tiny acts in 15 different scenarios of every second in my brain.

welcome to my torture....

con·trol- /kənˈtroʊl/[kuhn-trohl] -trolled, -trol·ling, noun
–verb (used with object)
1.to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.
2.to hold in check; curb: to control a horse; to control one's emotions.
3.to test or verify (a scientific experiment) by a parallel experiment or other standard of comparison.
4.to eliminate or prevent the flourishing or spread of: to control a forest fire.
5.Obsolete. to check or regulate (transactions), originally by means of a duplicate register.
–noun
6.the act or power of controlling; regulation; domination or command: Who's in control here?
7.the situation of being under the regulation, domination, or command of another: The car is out of control.
8.check or restraint: Her anger is under control.