i come home

i come home and i want some peace. not happening. 30 minutes? ok? no. last night was a perfect example of not going with the flow, turning my ears off and unable to help process other peoples needs. its frustrating. i have the capacity, but unwilling to take the breath needed to get me there.

pause.

i have to surrender. i keep fighting the current. it is possible peace will come with less resistance. the more resistance, the more chaos, the less chance for peace and mindfulness.

i know what is in store today, so its difficult to keep calm. it starts in 20min. the go. get in there. do the job. do it well. get out and live it!

listen:

lis·ten:/ˈlɪsən/ Pronunciation Key [lis-uhn] –verb (used without object)
1.to give attention with the ear; attend closely for the purpose of hearing; give ear.

which came first?

which came first. my chicken or my egg? what part of my body will be the chicken. the heart. egg = the soul. well that is easy answer considering conception. but does one have a soul at conception? the heart is conceptualized in our dna make-up so, is that not considered. possible the heart comes first. the soul. is it in our dna or does it come from thin air. is it learned. is i passed on from lost souls attempting to infringe on life patterns itself??

the trick. my egg is cracked(on the path to greatness). my chicken is huge

conflict and end

this is where i am at....

con·flic:t v. kuhn-flikt; n. kon-flikt] Pronunciation Key –verb (used without object)
1.to come into collision or disagreement; be contradictory, at variance, or in opposition; clash
2.to fight or contend; do battle.
–noun
3.a fight, battle, or struggle, esp. a prolonged struggle; strife.

end: /ɛnd/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[end] Pronunciation Key –noun
1.the last part or extremity, lengthwise, of anything that is longer than it is wide or broad: the end of a street; the end of a rope.
2.a point, line, or limitation that indicates the full extent, degree, etc., of something; limit; bounds
3.a part or place at or adjacent to an extremity

this is where my body wants to be.....

gnos·tic: [nos-tik] Pronunciation Key –adjective Also, gnos·ti·cal.
1.pertaining to knowledge.
2.possessing knowledge, esp. esoteric knowledge of spiritual matters.
3.(initial capital letter) pertaining to or characteristic of the Gnostics.
–noun

interesting. the first 2 definitions are what came to my mind immediately after thinking of where i am. the third definition came from me blindly opening the dictionary and pointing. i will have a long think about is one....

in a good place

from the outside looking in, i am in a good place.

i am asking more questions.
i am being more of a smart ass!
i am prepared to stand up for myself & my needs.
i understand i can be in a confrontation and not get angry.
i will call people on there BS!

i am training for everything.

-trick

in fear

i am in fear mode. afraid i am being too emotional at the moment! could be resentment? could be i am not speaking up? its many different things. i am the one who is here. how i get out or stay in is my choice. its up to me!

do something rather than be locked down....

-the trick

wake the dead

quite an intro?! wake the dead... its a phrase that made its way in to my brain yesterday morning. name for a band? a concept to live by? live fast enough, loud enough..kick ASS enough to wake the dead! feels good to me...

its my monday, which is unusual. had my first sunday off since forever ago and i was comfortable/uncomfortable. comfortable enjoying yoga and family time. uncomfortable doing the schedule and thinking about work. sucks, but had to be done. its the claws. sometimes they have you. sometimes not. the more given, the more taken.

this past wednesday, myself and the family went to a concert at the palace of fine arts. zakir hussain and the masters of percussion. totally amazing! instruments: tabla, doyra, sitar, folk drums, sarangi and more.. it was so amazing. he and the other masters played for 3 hours and it was worth every dime spent. extremely soulful. it brings my understanding and want for percussion to a whole other level!

i have no battery

use the power wisely. i have no battery this morning. its 5:27 am and its time to kick some ass!

you must unlearn what you have already leaned. -yoda

the font has been exhausted

the font has been exhausted. everything has changes and it would be great to know the original font. will try something new for a change. its 5:35 am and i am kicking it! coffee and writing has become my new SF ritual. as i was saying last night, from a ray of light from the sky, i have received my timing again. nice to be on the kit and let go. release the control. stop thinking and just be....

5:41 am and thinking...

ultimate control

i have no ultimate control. it is an illusion. my illusion to try and take power back after all control has been lost. this last sentence is again, control. not happening. let it go! i am in chains. the control is not allowing mental and physical freedom. i am in the hole. my playing is controlled and locked in thinking. work is completely overwhelming at all times. my dog drives me insane when she just lays there. my wife moves the dish towel from the refrigerator and i go berserk. little d leaves her plate by the sink and i have a "crazy kathy" moment...

all of these moments point back to me and my issue. control. i want it. can i have it?? to some degree, but for the most part, let it go! there is no chance.... to control. to take it back is having the opposite effect.

i am attempting control in hundreds of tiny acts in 15 different scenarios of every second in my brain.

welcome to my torture....

con·trol- /kənˈtroʊl/[kuhn-trohl] -trolled, -trol·ling, noun
–verb (used with object)
1.to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.
2.to hold in check; curb: to control a horse; to control one's emotions.
3.to test or verify (a scientific experiment) by a parallel experiment or other standard of comparison.
4.to eliminate or prevent the flourishing or spread of: to control a forest fire.
5.Obsolete. to check or regulate (transactions), originally by means of a duplicate register.
–noun
6.the act or power of controlling; regulation; domination or command: Who's in control here?
7.the situation of being under the regulation, domination, or command of another: The car is out of control.
8.check or restraint: Her anger is under control.

what ever happened to...

what ever happened to "i will deliver." a friendly reminder from your so called memory. station identification. do i have a station? it seems to be on crazy lately. not one hundred percent of the time, but some. have i cracked. already been cracked, since birth. the control is being unleashed and in pursuit of complete domination. i must be freed.

honest broker- n. an impartial intermediary or arbitrator.

arbitrator-/ˈɑrbɪˌtreɪtər/[ahr-bi-trey-ter] n. a person chosen to decide a dispute or settle differences, esp. one formally empowered to examine the facts and decide the issue.

honest broker from open and point.
arbitrator because i enjoy the word.

control must be freed
freed to let me go
go to beat of the drum
drum the beat of 3's
3's are lucky
lucky to have timing
timing is know when to hit and quit it
it jests
jests the power that be
be present
present of now, not then or ahead
ahead is the vision to decipher
decipher some unheard voice
voice of fight or flight
flight of view
view your perception
perception is your own reality
reality is wisdom
wisdom can create calm
calm is what i seek
seek the mind
mind the peace
peace will occur mentally
mentally i will believe
believe it to what?

36 going on 12

rhythm

there are times when i wonder what the hell is going on?? open the websters dictionary. randomly put finger on a page and the word rhythm is what i stopped at...

rhythm: (rith-em) n. 1. movement or procedure with uniform or partnered recurrence of a beat, accent, or the like. 2. a. the pattern of regular or irregular pulses caused in music by the occurrence of strong and weak melodic and harmonic beats. b. a particular form of this: triple rhythm.

stuck in italic? will i be in the movement today??

tired, but i will see through. envision greatness. embrace the chaos. do not react. know your response. create internal calm.

the finger from websters

the word is cultured. (kul-cherd), adj. 1. enlightened. refined. 2. artificially nurtured or grown. cultured bacteria. 3. cultivated. tilled.

use it in a sentence. there was a time when cultured people roamed the country side, now its the damn heathens.

i have..

a ball under my foot. only speak when spoken to. try and be calm. let the mind settle. the element of pain has to end. be.